The Wedding's little Helpers
by TCBN
Summary: Stan and Wendy r getting married! but it's not about them! It's about the bridesmaids, Bebe and Red, who must race against time to fix the wedding dress that Bebe wrecked by accident. Meanwhile, best men, Kenny and Kyle must sprint against time to find replacements for the missing wedding rings! Will the wedding go off without a hitch? inspired by all wedding comedies! NOT SLASH
1. Chapter 1

In New York City, there was a large hotel full of tourists from different countries and ethnicities, from Zimbabwe to Australia. But that wasn't the important part of the story. The story revolves around the eighth floor. Reserved for the Great Wedding and its patrons. Actually, it was about the couple's helpers, or, as others say, the bride's maids and best men.

Kyle and Kenny were screaming at each other, hands gesticulating along with sounds of doors slamming and lots of scoffing and plenty of _FFFFFUUUUCK!_

"Fuck! I cannot believe this!" Kyle paced the room, "The wedding's in a week! And you're telling ME that you lost the FUCKING RINGS!?"

"Jesus, I'm sorry, okay!" Kenny swore, swiping a bottle of beer off the table and taking a swig

"Do you have any idea how much shit you've gotten ourselves into!" Kyle kicked a couch with his foot, only to swear and clutch his foot in agony.

"Yeah" Kenny shrugged, "and I don't fucking CARE right now!"

"Kenny!" Kyle waved a hand in his face, "five-thousand dollar rings are MISSING!"

"Uh" Kenny shrugged, sitting down, "We'll find a way, We always do"

"NO we WON'T!" Kyle swore so loudly, his voice echoed out the hotel, causing a few pigeons to scatter from a tree near by.

"Look. I just gotta think of an idea" Kenny waved a lazy hand

"Look me square in the eye and tell me that Stan and Wendy will not harvest our guts and wear our skin as coats!" Kyle shouted

"KYLE!" Kenny shot up, slamming the bottle onto the side table, "Listen to me!"

"I'm all FUCKING ears, Kenny!" Kyle snapped, "SPILL!"

"But you need to follow my plan as closely as you can. NO alterations and NO telling! You got that?" Kenny boomed

"What's the plan" Kyle blinked, voice now calmer

"All you gotta do is not _piss_ yourself" Kenny whispered

000

Meanwhile, next door, Bebe sat on the bed, shoulders shaking as she cried. Red was pacing the room, kicking a chair as she passed it. Bebe slowly placed her hands on the white silken dress that encased her so beautifully.

"I specifically told you not to put it on" Red seethed, "I specifically SAID!"

"But I thought I wouldn't rip oit!" Bebe cried, tears streaming down her face, make up smudging. She automatically wiped it on the dress.

"BEBE!" Red screamed, "Stop that! Take that thing off before I murder you!"

Bebe slowly took off the tress and yanked on a pair of tracks, feeling miserable.

"Wendy is going to fucking KILL you!" Red sat down, slowly picking up the now stained and tattered dress as if lifting a sleeping child, "Oh god…. Oh fuck no"

"Look, we'll fix something" Bebe said, standing up

"The fuck you will" Red swore

"No, Red!" Bebe clutched Red by the shoulders, "I am a genius!"

"Out the same bloody mouth of the same girl who fucked the dress up!" Red snapped, standing up.

"We wash it and take it to the dress maker" Bebe said

"This has got to work" Red snapped, throwing the dress down, stopping herself from stomping on it out of anger.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle rolled his eyes as Bebe fixed his tie, bright blue eyes staring into his dark green eyes. They were standing in the foyer, surrounded by people walking past to get to their rooms or waiting around for their friends.

"I can do my tie myself, Bebe" Kyle smiled

"Well, there goes my excuse to touch your lovely suit" Bebe blushed, "Don't do anything stupid, alright?"

"I won't babe" Kyle grinned, "The same goes to you, munchkin"

"Uh!" Bebe scoffed, playfully shoving him over, "You have Kenny to watch over! Make sure he doesn't, you know, have sex with the center point tower's aerial!"

"I hope it doesn't come to that" Kyle laughed, imagining Kenny yanking off his pants and grinding a wall, a stupid grin on his face.

"Now, be a good man" Bebe kissed Kyle before walking off, "work those perky cheeks!"

Kyle rolled his eyes and swaggered out sarcastically, walking into Kenny.

"Really dude, you make Mr Garrison sound straight when you do that" Kenny snorted.

"Kenny, just get in the fucking car" Kyle sighed, "Your plan had better fucking work"

The boys got into the car, Stan in the passenger seat, jumping his legs with jitteriness.

"Hi, guys!" Stan slapped Kyle on the back as he got behind the wheel

"Hey, you ready for your big night?" Kyle smiled

"Hell yeah!" the fat blob hollered from the backseat, high fiving Kenny's unsuspecting.

"What about some music!" Kyle pressed the radio

"I – I just thought of the most fitting song for tonight!" Stan laughed, taking out a bottle of whiskey, taking a swig.

"And what's that?" Kyle asked

Stan puts on How I Met Your Mother theme song. Everyone starts to laugh at Stan's choice of music.

"Really dude" Kyle changed the station to something else.

"What? It's my last day of freedom!" Stan fist pumped

00

Bebe twirled a curl around her finger, listening to Wendy talk about a new pair of shoes she had just spied today. Bebe smiled sweetly, laughing as Wendy slapped herself with laughter as she said a funny part.

"I'll be right back!" Bebe stood up as Red entered the hotel room. She scooped up a large bag secretly stashing the dress inside.

"Hurry!" Red giggled, "he'll be-"

A man in a pink G string with a bottle of wine in one hand and a huge jar of jelly in the other burst in, leaping through the door and landing lightly on Wendy's lap, placing two massive hands on her face.

"Whose the lucky girl!" the man shouted, straddling the giggling black haired girl, ignoring Red who simply blushed in the corner, watching Bebe leap out the front door and sprint down the streets.

Bebe burst through the doors of a dressmaker, sweat causing her hair to stick to her head.

"I have an emergency!" Bebe gasped, throwing the bag in front of the dress maker

"Lady, I don't do fast jobs!" the old woman snapped

"Please! It's a wedding dress!" Bebe begged

"Oh" the lady blinked, "You're screwed, gurl"

"How fast can you do this?" Bebe gasped

"Forty eight hours" the woman snarled, "the least"

"Oh thank you!" Bebe nearly kissed her

"And you should wash it" the lady drawled, watching Bebe fly out the store.

00

Kyle led Stan to a couch that didn't have a woman gyrating someone on it or a man moaning with their hands down their pants. Cartman sat next to Stan, put an arm around him and swigged from a bottle of beer.

"All those tits" Kenny waved his fingers around him, "seriously! Look at all these boobs!"

"Man! This is going to be awesome!" Stan hiccupped, nearly falling off his seat

"Hey, beautiful!" Kenny prodded a girl with long brown hair and big blue eyes, "Give that man your best work"

The girl flashed him a smile, showing him her set of pearly whites and swaggered over to Stan, thrusting two hands on his shoulders and pushing him backwards, smiling down at Stan.

"Cartman, make sure Stan doesn't run out of beer or tits" Kyle whispered to Cartman as he and Kenny ran to the other side of the place.

Kyle covered his face, momentarily feeling guilty for being in a strip club.

"Kyle" Kenny clicked his fingers at his face, "Remember, we're doing this for Wendy and Stan. Nothing else"

"Y- yeah" Kyle sucked in the hot stuffy air into his lungs, "what was the plan again?"

"You must find a woman" Kenny whispered, "get her to kiss, straddle or even better have sex with you and then"

Kenny paused, slowly lifting his left hand to Kyle's face, wriggling his ring finger.

"And?" Kyle blinked

"You have to ask to suck her fingers" Kenny grinned, "now go!"

Kyle slowly walked up to a woman with a tank top and a G-string. She was dancing, giggling and enjoying herself with a pole that had handprints all over it. Kyle was sure could see a dick print on there as well.

"Hello, there sexy man" the woman purred, interlacing her wet fingers into his curls, ruffling them, "would you like to have a nice night?"

Kyle swiveled his eyes to the right and saw Kenny get slapped by a woman wearing a tight onzie, angry.

"Yeah, babe" Kyle smiled, letting her drag him away to the back of the building

Kenny got up, rubbing his cheek, "I'm sorry, I can't help it!"

"I should understand, I'm a stripper and guys grab my butt every night" the woman huffed

"Why don't we discuss that issue somewhere more private" Kenny smiled, salivating to kiss her.

"That will be ten dollars" she purred, placing a hand on his chest

"Ten BUCKS!?" Kenny spat, falling over as she swiped him, angry

"I'm sorry!" Kenny shielded himself, "You're more beautiful as the other girls here!"

"Y- you really think so?" she gushed, helping him to his feet, face inches from his own.

"Yeah, so gorgeous, my very own sister would cry if she saw your tits" Kenny grinned, hands ITCHING to grab onto those melons of flesh.

"Well" she crooned, wrapping her arms around her

"You're so-" Kenny froze, slowly lifting off a wig from her head "U- Ugly"

"YOU ASSWIPE!" she slapped Kenny on the face once more

"OW!" Kenny stayed on the ground, "Ow…"  
"Oh, did I hurt you real bad?" she batted her eyelashes, straddling him on the floor

"You like weakened men" Kenny murmured, clutching his face in pain, ignoring her thrusting groin in his waist. He groaned louder, after seeing she had no wedding ring.


	3. Chapter 3

Bebe and Red sat, drinking beer, watching Wendy giggle as she slathered jelly all over the gigalo.

"Did you do it?" Red whispered

"Yeah, will be in the next 40 hours" Bebe sighed in relief

"I wonder what the boys are doing" Red mused

000

Kyle sat on the couch, the woman lying on him, laughing at a made up story Kyle told her about how he got his afro (electrocution).

"You're a funny man" she giggled, wrapping her arms around him.

"And can I tell you something else?" Kyle smiled; ignoring the fact that he had a massive situation down there that he wasn't planning to take care of.

"Yes! I love your funny stories!" she giggled, "Better than doing it with a lump of meat" she laughed, referring to other men that came in

"I like sucking fingers" Kyle smiled, realizing with utter horror: _Where would prostitutes put their fingers. _

Kyle screamed as she shoved her hand in his mouth, tickling the back of his throat.

"Love that don't ya" she laughed

Kyle stared at her one last time and bit down on the cold hard metal in his mouth, yanking the woman off of him, metal now in his mouth. He jumped from his seat and fled, passing a loudly groaning Stan on the couch.

"Okay, it's go time, boys!" Kenny sprang up, yanking the woman off of Stan and pulling Stan with him.

"But I was enjoying!" Stan drawled, tripping over

"To the car!" Cartman screamed, barreling for the car. They all got into the car, Kyle dove for the wheel and floored the accelerator, speeding off into the night, Stan still laughing like a little kid.

000

Red gawped, beside Bebe. They were standing in front of the lady with the new clean dress.

"That's five million dollar" the lady said

"We can't afford that!" Bebe cried

"Fine!" the lady laughed, ripping it apart once more and forcing herself to vomit on it.

"You asshole!" Red cried, yanking the dress back, as they darted for the hotel.

They went to the hotel. After a silence that lasted forever, Red sniffed back a tear.

"We're fucking screwed" Bebe sighed, lying on the bed

"Wait" Red lifted a finger, "I have an idea!"

"What" Bebe deadpanned

"We just sew it and wash it ourselves" Red shrugged

000

Kenny moaned, turning over in his bed. The hotel room started to smell like poo.

"Oh god" Kenny vomited on the floor, "Cartman!"

"Oh god" Cartman groaned, "I have such bad diarrhea!"

"Flush the toilet! Please!" Kyle gagged, stumbling into the room

"The flush won't work!" Cartman vomited, crawling into his bed on the other side of the room.

"Uhh" Kyle sat on Kenny's bed, slowly bringing out a golden metal thing from his pajama chest pocket, "In other news"

Kenny shot up, eyes wide, mouth turning into a deep smile.

"Oh my god!" Kenny gasped, hugging Kyle tight, "we did it!"

"One problem, kiddo" Kyle shoved Kenny off, "There's two wedding rings"

Kenny launched out of the bed, causing Kyle to fall into Kenny's vomit.

"Kenny!" Kyle swore, shuddering as he stood up

"I dropped the rings into the cake batter!" Kenny shouted, "and which fatass eats all the cake?"

000

Bebe and Red looked at the dress lying in the bed.

"It will have to do" Bebe mumbled, looking at the faint stains and sewing work on the dress

"Yeah" Red shrugged, "Now, to face the music"

"why don't we just use my mums and insist it was hers?" Bebe asked

"Sure" Red jumped

000

Kenny slowly lifted a ring from the mess in the toilet bowl.

"Kyle" Kenny said, "did I ever tell you that everything would turn out alright?"

Kyle and Cartman stared at Kenny's hand covered in poop, clutching a golden ring. They looked at one another and vomited in reply.

000000000000000000

Just outside the doors into the foyer, Kyle and Bebe stood, facing each other.

"Are you ready to attend the wedding of your best friend?" Bebe giggled

"Bebe, I have something to tell you" Kyle hugged Bebe close

"What could that be?" Bebe batted her eyelashes

"We lost the rings and we swapped one of the rings with a prostitute's" Kyle whispered into her ear, "and the other ring we found in Cartman's dump"

Bebe started to laugh, muffling her laughter by burying her face in his shoulder. She looked at him, unable to stifle her laughter.

"We insisted that the dress was already like that. Stained and had holes in it" Bebe giggled. Kyle started to laugh, "I guess we're terrible helpers"

"But sexy" Bebe winked, "too fucking sexy"

They both entered the foyer to see as the congregation settled in their seats. The bridesmaids and grooms men looked at one another and silently vowed never to utter the dark secret that bound Wendy and Stan.

Butters was called up, told to read a speech for the newly weds, told that the speech had been changed. He was representing Bebe, Red, Kyle and Kenny in one speech instead of all four of them giving a speech. Kenny gave him a new crumpled piece of paper for him to read.

"When one is told to make sure the boat sails" Butters cleared his throat, "One has to make sure that the boat sails, even if there's a problem with the rudder, sails or even the pilot. The boat has to sail"

Butters looked at the congregation, unsure what the speech meant. He read on.

"If I was told that I had to make sure two wonderful people were to get married, no matter how many times I like to wear the dress, fuck with the wedding rings as dildo-" Butters gawped, staring at what he had read.

Wendy turned, glaring at the trembling blonde, "you…. Did this?"

"N-no!" Butters croaked, "I- I-"

"Just finish the speech, asshole!" Cartman shouted

Butters hurried along, "I just love wearing rings on my weiner and rolling in the sandbox with a wedding dress. Written proudly by Butters Stotch."

"Ho boy" Kyle gasped, reddening.

"I didn't write this!" Butters croaked, "Oh hamburgers!"

"YOU ASSWIPE!" Stan growled, flooring Butters, punching him in the face over and over.

"You ruined my wedding!" Wendy howled, falling to her knees, hands shakily tracing the sewing and stains on her dress, "my fingers smell like vagina juice and shit!"

Butters was lifted up and hurled out the two doors, banned from the rest of the ceremony.

"Yay! Cake!" someone jeered as everyone got up, started to dance, eat cake and laugh while chucking down wine in their throats.

"Some plan" Stan turned to Kenny

"I wrote it" Cartman shrugged, "may as well give the blame to one person. Now we're free"

000

**A/N: howdy! I'm sure glad this story was such a hit! Sorry it was so short! **


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